Bheeti

The journey up the "stairway" of 'paramapada' described by Desikan,
we saw, has taken us so far from "vivekam" at the bottom to
'virakthi' where we presently are perched.

At this stage of the journey a man, a "vivEki", is seen to be
considerably detached than before from the clutches of earthly
existence. He does not hanker for the sights and delights of the
world. His goals are now, instead, firmly centred around the true
purpose of life: "parama-padam".

But at precisely this stage in life, when he seems to be firmly set
on course, Man suddenly falls victim to a strange fear known as
"bheethi", the next stepping-stone on Desikan's
"parama-pada-sOpAnam".

The "vivEki" is now suddenly overcome by a "holy terror" (to use a
peculiar phrase of the Western philosopher, William James) because
while he discovers earthly existence to be empty, equally void and
futile seem the heavens too. He realizes the presence of an Almighty
but is beset by fear and doubt: "Is there a place in "parama-padam",
the "Abode of All Goodness", for someone like me -- a real bag of
innumerable sins? There seems to be no way of atoning for my sins.
Would God ever admit me into His presence? Can I ever stand before
Him and look Him in the face without cringing? Would I be deserving
of that highest state called "parama-padam"?"

It is this echo of "bheeti" or "Holy Terror" that Tondaradipodi
AzhwAr gives vent to in the "tirumAlai":

"?unnai kAnUm mArgam onrUm ariyamAttA manisaril durisanAi
mUrkkanEn vandhu ninrEn: mUrkkanEn mUrkkanEnE!"
('tirumAlai' -32)

"Is there a path for an utter sinner like me to tread, O Ranga, and
hope to attain You? Being the lowliest of beings on earth, I stand
before You like a wretch! Oh wretched, wretched me!"

And again:

"meyyallAm pOgavittu, virikuzhalArir pattup
poyy ellAm pOdhinthu kOnda pOzhakkanEn vandhu ninrEn;
aiyanE! aranganE! wUn arUL ennUm Asai thannAl
pOyyannEn vandhu ninrEn; pOyyanEn, pOyyanEnE!" (ibid.33)

"Lord! My Ranga! I've been a vagabond all these years filled with
nothing but vice and vileness! I wallowed in the arms of coiffured
dames! Yet I stand before you now, abjectly, hoping for your Grace! I
have lived in falsehood and depravity all these years! I stand before
you now with no shame!"

When "bheeti" takes hold of the "vivEki", he begins to see the vast
chasm of 'samsAra' of expiation that he must wade through before he
can reach "parama-padam". The very thought makes him shudder and give
up all hope of ever crossing it. Even if he did succeed in crossing
it, would God ever consider someone as irredeemable as him as a
proper candidate for redemption in "parama-padam"? What then is the
value of persisting in this journey if in the end he is unfit to
finish it?

These very same but complex feelings of deep 'bheethi' are very
movingly echoed by Desikan in the Sanskrit work titled
'abhIti-stavam' a sample of which is given below (Verse #16):

anUkshaNa samUthithE durita-vAridhow dUstarE
yadi kvachana nishkritirbhavathi sApi dOshAvilA I
thadItha-magathow mayi pratividhAna-mAdhIyathAm
svabUddhi-parikalpitham kimapi rangadhUrya tvaya II

Ranga! There seems no way I can wash my sins off. Nor atone for it!
There must be some unusual and mysterious way to get it done. I don't
know it. And none but You in this world knows. I beseech You, reveal
it to me please...